Learning to NOT judge a book by its cover
The damage inflicted by the modesty culture took lots of effort to overcome
In the bottom drawer of my dresser, I stuffed the clothes my aunt had given me. I never felt I could wear some of the clothes because as a young teenager, I was already conscious of the need to be modest, and I worried what others would say if they felt I was dressing inappropriately. Growing up in the 80s, there was a huge emphasis on modesty and appropriate clothing for young women. It was clearly laid out in the For Strength of Youth pamphlet that was provided by the church. I received the message loud and clear, and so I never discovered my own personal style because the focus was on whether my clothing was modest.
When I married at 21, I accepted the wardrobe demands of garment wearing and based all my clothing choices on what worked with garments. As I selected a wedding dress for the temple, I was glad the lady who rented dresses from her home had modest dresses that were temple-ready with long sleeves. Though looking back on it now, I wonder what I would have chosen if I felt I had more flexibility.
From that day forward and up until my faith journey, I went along with what I was told regarding the rules, the control, and the limitations brought on by garments. I failed to see the damage inflicted by the requirements placed on me such as feeling responsible for men’s actions and thoughts and often feeling uncomfortable and awkward around others dressed differently.
I am taking back my power to make my own decisions. I am experimenting and seeing what works for me, how I feel about my decisions and setting my own parameters and boundaries and in the case of modesty, I am working to repair the damage done.
Throughout my life, many church leaders stood at the pulpit and declared the importance of modesty and how a women should dress. The rules were set by men in a patriarchal system who focused more on women. When women in the scriptures are portrayed either as saints or as whores, it makes sense why there would be such an overemphasis on appropriate behavior and clothing selection for women.
In 1946, J. Reuben Clark expressed that women could be blamed for assault if their poor clothing choices appealed to the “baser passions of men.” This teaching was illustrated in a story from June 2006 Ensign article about a young woman feeling bad that she wore shorter shorts to a youth activity, and she made “virtuous young men feel uncomfortable—and that [she] could also be making unvirtuous men feel too comfortable.” It is unhealthy to insist that women and girls are responsible for someone's actions. This often leads to women self-sacrificing to please others or feeling guilt and anxiety when bad things happen to them because of someone else’s actions.
Leaders taught modesty was necessary to feel the Spirit, to illustrate your goodness, to show you are keeping your covenants, to honor the Lord, to be an example of righteousness to others, to be better than the world, to advertise the right message, to please God and show appreciation to Him, to wear our testimony of God, to be worthy of the Spirit, to receive knowledge, wisdom, testimony, joy, peace, happiness, to be protected from the destructive influences of the world, and to watch our confidence increase. (see references to talks below)
One of the most important aspects of becoming an adult is learning to distinguish for yourself what is good and what is bad. Often this requires experimentation to settle on your standards. When the church tries to declare the rules, place control over others, and limit someone’s decisions, it doesn’t create a healthy environment for knowing what boundaries to set.
When modesty is conflated with righteousness, and a person like me is obedient and responsible (just like I was told in my patriarchal blessing about my spirit in the pre-existence), then I easily went along with the rules, the control, and the limitations, but fail to see the negative impact and damage it had on me.
In some of the talks, we are counseled to avoid judging others, to have compassion, to be Christlike, to set a good example for others to follow, but if you are so focused that modesty is the only way to God, it sets us up for judging people’s righteousness based upon their appearance. I have found on this faith journey, that I get closer to being good and doing good, when I worry less about the rules and whether others are following the established guidelines. Judgment is built into human nature and into rule making. Full acceptance of another, as Jesus taught, happens when I let go of judgment.
For example, as a mom of teenagers, I would see prom pictures on social media. I would look to see whether the girls' dresses were modest, then in my mind and heart, I would judge harshly if I determined the dresses were inappropriate. I failed to see the beautiful young women in the photo because I was concentrating too much on where the lines of their dresses fell.
As I began to let go of judgment, I realized I was feeling envy. Envy for these young people who looked confident and comfortable with their bodies. The realization of my own feelings (not what I was supposed to think) was a turning point for me and I began to really see the damage caused by the overemphasis on modesty.
Sometimes, I found it difficult to be around others if they were dressed “immodestly”. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I would judge them. I would want to avoid these types of situations. I couldn’t just look beyond the lines to see the wholeness and goodness of the person. (Well how could they be good and whole when I had been taught that modesty determined your righteousness.) Leaders instructed you not to judge but didn’t provide teachings of how to simply accept someone as a beautiful human regardless of their dress.
I even prayed to God to help me overcome my discomfort, yet no matter how many times I prayed I felt unable to change. Real change happened when I began to see things beyond black and white, to not view the world as evil, and to set my own rules, limits, and boundaries. My exploration of my own style made a huge difference. (Yes, it's summer and I love tank tops! No more maxi skirts! Two-piece swimsuits are so fun! No more folds of a one-piece swimsuit showing all my curves! Sexy outfits for date night with my husband! No counting inches to see how close my shorts must come to my knees!)
I am more in tune with myself—my body and my emotions. I am more comfortable with my body even if a 50+ year old body is far from perfect. I love messy and complicated humans, and I can sit with them and not care how they are dressed because I'm no longer focused on the lines to follow. I now own my thoughts, beliefs, my behavior, and my actions. Good or bad, right or wrong, they are part of me, and I accept all of it. Not just the part where I am trying to be so good or look so righteous. I feel free to choose for myself. If I choose to be in an environment where people are what I once viewed as immodest, I no longer feel uncomfortable or awkward, because really, I have learned to love the human body, especially as I practice my art skills in figure drawing.
How do I know for myself if what I am doing is right? Well just as I was taught to plant a seed and watch it grow and see what happens. In doing this experiment in regard to modesty, I found a healthier mindset as I let go of judgment or shaming myself or others. I found freedom to express myself confidently and to be more comfortable in my body. As one who battled self-confidence for most of my life, this is a major win. Most importantly, I found that as I stopped worrying about others’ level of righteousness by the way they dressed, I also stopped ranking my righteousness above theirs because unlike how I was taught, how one dresses on the outside DOES NOT dictate who you are on the inside because the better teaching is You can't judge a book by its cover!
Church talks and teachings about Modesty for reference
https://www.scribd.com/document/331581040/1972-For-the-Strength-of-Youth-pamphlet
https://www.docdroid.net/eVNYkuG/1990-for-the-strength-of-youth-lds-standards-of-conduct-pdf#page=13
https://archive.org/details/improvementera4908unse/page/493/mode/1up?view=theater
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/modesty-matters?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/12craven?lang=eng
Thanks for putting these words together.